10.08.08
Ladies should be attended first
Yesterday, Mr. Bruni at the Times investigated how different treatment for men and women at restaurants is evolving. (I was impressed by how many people he interviewed for the article. I barely have time to eat out, let alone write about how it went – I don’t know how he does it.) I’ve noticed lately that some restaurants have stopped serving ladies first. Now, I don’t really mind, as no matter who gets food first we all have to wait until everyone’s ready to start. But it bothers me when servers seem to deliberately serve the men first. If you’re just going from left to right around the table, it makes sense to start with whomever is closest. If I see a waiter deliberately start with the same person every time then it’s really weird if that person is not the woman at the table. Especially if the restaurant insists upon all those fancy phrases like “pardon my reach” (seriously, it doesn’t bother me unless you clock me in the face, I’m always happy getting food) and “tonight we are offering [xyz]” (oh, so it’s free? Sweet).
According to proper manners, ladies come first. Through doors, in chairs, wherever. The places I hostessed at were very upscale and they told us to always give menus to the women first. It’s just common sense too. If you are at a nice restaurant it’s like being at a formal event. A gentleman in that situation would never greet a woman sitting down or not open the door for her. I know there has been some noise about how unfeminist it is to allow men to be gallant, but I personally prefer a man who thinks he should take care of things for me to a lout who lets me fend for myself.
Now, if the restaurant is more casual, it doesn’t matter. I completely see Apiary’s point in the article. Serving people in the most space- and time-efficient manner is perfectly fine. And I’m glad to see that many restaurants are moving away from the assumption that the man is picking the wine and paying for the meal. I remember the criticism of Momofuku Ko in the Wall Street Journal (can’t find the link, might be too old) and elsewhere that the surly chefs there were very obviously giving the male diners the heavier, some might say better, dishes. The man would get the short ribs – the woman, the chicken. It’s the same kind of sexist assumption when we order wine and the waiter gives it to the guy to try. If you really think about it, I should taste it, because the guy is more likely trying to please me than the other way around. In any case I think that’s more men patronizing women than being gallant, so that can go.
Basically, these are separate issues. One is substantive – money, wine, food for the table – and one is etiquette in formal situations. Proper manners should be observed at nice restaurants and equality is better otherwise.
